The fear of change...The pull of addiction

Routine is so comfortable....that same part of the couch...that favorite restaurant where the food is just to your liking....that soft shirt that you wear over and over again. Routine....is so easy....it means you remain in your comfort zone.

Welcome to living outside your comfort zone and the emotions attached to it. For two weeks now, I have lived in a very comfortable environment with familar elements: strength training, swimming, biking and running....but and this is a BIG but...they have stripped away the things that made my life manageable and comfortable:

Food...and Diet Coke.

I know it sounds crazy but I had a serious addiction to the bubbly sweet stuff in that red and white can. I drank 10 a day easy ...sometimes an entire 12 pack. I had enough sodium and caffeine running in my system to power a small town. This habit, however, has been years in the making and one that had to be shut down.

So, along with changing my eating habits, I had my last Diet Coke two weeks ago. It sounds like it should be no big deal: WRONG. My head was pounding. I felt like someone had laid an ax right in the middle of my skull. Long about the 4th day, I had to crawl into my dark bedroom and just sleep...the pounding in my head was just too much.

Once the headaches finally subsided, I got this feeling of true "health". My body felt significantly better from the inside out. I can not tell you how long it has taken me and how many times I have tried giving up this stuff...but finally...I think I got a handle on it.

As much as I enjoy that feeling, I knew that my desire for food would eventually rear its ugly head and tonight...it did. I went to see my friends who work over at the UNC Hospital on their coffee break. As I made the turn out of the parking lot, it was like this little evil devil was sitting on my shoulder telling me to go to a drive thru and have a night full of junk food.

I can now tell you every single fast food joint between Chapel Hill and Durham. There are 19...yes...count them if you like...that I could have stopped at and loaded up on those foods that got me to this place...

But for some reason I didn't...

I made it the few miles back to my apartment....picked up my phone and called a friend who had told me "if you have a problem..call me"

She is an alcoholic so she understands. Addiction is tough stuff. One day at a time sometimes turns into one hour or one minute at a time. And here I sit. Laptop in high gear helping me get through that feeling of utter helplessness. For some reason I have equated food with comfort and safety. The more the better.

Tonight I decided....NO MORE.

I won this battle...I let you know if I win enough of those battles to win the war...

As always...ill keep you posted on the good, the bad, and ...moments like this that are not my prettiest side!

Remembering a Hero

My heart is very heavy today. Yesterday, a dear friend, teammate and cancer warrior lost his battle with Leukemia and I am sad...and I am soooo incredible angry.

Doug Oxendine was a devoted husband, a father of two and a warrior against CML Leukemia. He participated and earned a Triple Crown with Team in Training (doing 3 events: a marathon, triathlon and 100 mile bike ride). He was an amazing speaker, a supportive teammate...and above all he was a helluva man and a wonderful friend. Yesterday, he earned another title: he became an angel.

Cancer is coward. It picks on little kids. It kicks adults when they are down. It hides away and attacks those that have fought the fight and won only to return and terrorise someones life and family. Cancer sucks and it still is my life mission to find a cure.

Many people have asked me why I stay and continue doing fundraising events with Team in Training. The answer is simple. No family should have a birth and a death certificate in the same envelope for their child. No wife should be left behind to raise two children on her own. No Husband should stand at a bedside and pray to switch places with their loving spouse who is fighting a disease that has no conscience. That's why....because Cancer is a Bastard.

Yesterday, I heard that Doug had passed and I was heartbroken. Today Im angry. Tomorrow I will be determined....Determined to continue to raise money and find a cure....

If you have never done a 5k for breast cancer or donated to a Team in Training participant who is raising money for a cure, or thought about becoming part of the bone marrow registry, I highly encourage you to consider it.

Your donation could keep the next family from this awful life changing fate.

Thanks for listening...Ill jump off my soapbox now...

Week One = 8 pounds

Soooo....this is a great start. My first 7 days at Structure House and I have lost 8 pounds. Now, I know its going to slow down (actually...I have been the same weight since Friday as we are required to weigh in every day) but thats ok...its the feeling of being on the right track that gives me a bit more peace.

I have slept more in the last week than I have in probably a month. I am trying very hard to listen to my body, learn from my classes, get all my workouts in and be consistent with my therapy sessions. To most people, this sounds like a vacation...but for me...I am on a mission. Come hell...come high water...i am determined to get myself into a good space about food, get the weight off and get back on track towards Ironman.

I never thought I would ever say this...but I miss my long run workouts. I miss hours on the bike. As i look back at the middle of Ironman training last year, all I wanted was a few days off. My body was pleading for rest. Now, my mind is pleading for challenge.

That challenge is coming...this time in the form of the Miami Half Ironman where the cut off is fairly strict.

Always chasing that clock....

As always...Ill keep you posted... :)

Bike Trails in Durham NC

We are so blessed in Orlando and the surrounding areas with beautiful long bike trails with facilities and little towns along the way. I am just starting to explore this town that I have enjoyed a few times in the past but what it is lacking is LONG bike trails that are paved. As we are in a more mountainous area, mountain biking is a little more popular than road cycling so finding a bike trail is a bit of a challenge...but I found one...and its perfect for shorter distance workouts..

The American Tobacco Trail sits right off the Durham Bulls Baseball stadium in Downtown Durham. Just 6.5 miles one way, it has many bridges and a few street crossings but for a urban trail, it is lovely. I got up early to try to beat the heat but by the time my workout was done at 9am, it was already 90 degress.

The trail is a bit hilly for a Florida girl but that should help to make my legs a little stronger. A short 1 hour workout with a bit of a nearby road added for mileage and my knee was reminding me that it needs work!! I know if I do a bit more research, I can find some beautiful roads to workout on as I enjoy North Carolina...

As always...ill keep you posted...

No...I didn't fall off the face of the earth

Well....Im back to blogland. As I have said in previous blogs, if I am not writing, things are probably not well in well-ville. Things are not horrible but to say I was in a good place with my eating would be a bold face lie.

A week long family cruise shortly after the Gulf Coast Triathlon put the eating machine in motion. Who in the world thought that unlimited soft serve ice cream machines onboard a ship were a good idea. It sounds great...but for a compulsive overeater like me, it was almost too much to handle. By the 3rd day, I was making 2 or 3 trips to that troth. Add in the gourmet evening meals that started at 830 and breakfast being delivered to your room and it was just overload. I walked away from that cruise gaining 6 pounds.

With very little or no exercise from my knee surgery forward, it was time to ramp it up and get my life back in order. As I mentioned in my MUCH earlier posts, I had made a decision to return to Structure House in Durham, NC to get my weight down and my eating under control. I arrived here on June 13 and to date, I have lost 8 or the 16 I put on since knee surgery.

Being in a closed environment is a comforting experience but it can be very lonely. My dear husband, who has always been supportive of the things that I do, has cheered me on as I entered this program even though it leaves him alone and without his partner in crime for his adventures on his days off. Just yesterday, he flew to see my parents in the Bahamas and brought my father his Father's Day gift. He stood on my parent's deck overlooking the water and told me "it just doesn't feel right here without you."

Having an addiction means you miss a lot. I miss working out with my team in Training participants in Orlando. I miss training my Team Tri Hard athletes as they continue on towards bigger and better triathlons. I miss working with my trainer, Hector and attending bike trainer sessions. To get this demon under control, it means i must miss out on life...and that is a sad state of affairs.

Don't think Im sitting here crying in my beer (ohhhh a beer sounds good right now)...I am determined. I have 7 more weeks to get my act in gear and get this weight off my body. While I am doing that, lets see if I can get my body back up to speed for a half ironman in October...

And as always...now that Im back...I will keep you posted...