Friday, March 26, 2010

One Link at a Time...

It is a mistake to look too far ahead. Only one link of the chain of destiny can be handled at a time." Winston Churchill

I want to thank "The Running Girl" for posting this quote on her blog. Her words constantly inspire me. There are so many bloggers on this world we call the internet that keep me moving in the right direction. One I even call my "Uncle Bob" (but note he is not that old) but his advice is what you would expect from that cool uncle that always understood your point of view as a kid. To these and so many others who have helped me in this journey...thank you.

The quote above is very profound. It reminds me not to get to far ahead of myself. Lately, that has been a problem. I want the weight gone YESTERDAY ..and as I'm sure most of you know...weight loss just doesn't work that way.

There are times I feel I should hide the difficulties that made me a 380 pound woman 11 years ago but even in this 200 pound smaller body, those difficulties continue to surface. When times get tough, I turn to food for comfort. Each day is a battle against the snack, the chocolate and the eating in my car. Each night is a war against eating in my sleep. I have resorted to setting up a "booby trap" in my kitchen to wake me before I eat. In the last few months, it has worked to perfection and I now no longer find the remnants of food on my counters. Some things are going well since January 1....others...are not.

By now, I wanted to be a lot smaller than 17 pounds down. My goal was 40 pounds by May 8th but that goal does not seem possible now. I hope to get over this hump but there are behaviors that are holding me back from my goal. It's so hard to admit that you have a problem with food.

When I went to celebrate my father's 80th birthday in the Bahamas, I was overwhelmed when I walked into my parent's home. Cookies, cake, chips and every kind of junk food imaginable graced the kitchen. It was like telling an addict they would have to stay in a crack house and not get high. The first night, I did well eating my normal meal and snacking on veggies. By the time we went home, the chocolate and cookies had made it to my face.

So once again, I am faced with some choices. Do I continue to try to battle this beast of an addiction with normal therapy at home or do I face it with help? With the prospects of an Ironman gone from my year, I had to switch gears and determine that weight loss IS my Ironman goal this year and I just don't think I can do it

I'm headed back to rehab!! (Insert Amy Winehouse song here)

I wonder if anyone understands how I struggled to admit this to the world. This will be my SIXTH trip to a closed environment where I can get my "&$%^&*" together. It makes me feel weak and stupid. I'm a smart person. This isn't rocket science. Too many calories in and not enough calories out equals weight gain. Its a simple equation. The bottom line, however, is this has more to do with what I am trying to shove down with food instead of with the food itself.

I have friends who are alcoholics who have told me that having a food addiction would be the absolute WORST. With help, you walk away from alcohol and don't have to touch it. With food, you have to deal with it several times a day for the rest of your life. Ok, so you can't get a DUI for being under the influence of McDonald's French Fries but you get my point. Using food for nourishment is the key....Using food as a comfort will eventually kill you.... and honestly ... I don't want to die like that.

I have several obligations that I must complete before I can focus totally on this quest. I have 9 incredible triathletes that call me Coach who will be participating in their first triathlon at the end of May. I continue to be a Fundraising Mentor to the Marathon Team with Team in Training even though I am unable to run the San Diego Marathon as I planned the first week of June. My family and I are traveling to the Caribbean the first week of June for our yearly family trip and I promised my business partner I would run Expedition Everest as his partner. Once those obligations are fulfilled, I will take two months to focus on me, on therapy and once again, getting my eating under control.

So, before I can dream again of that famous six word sentence from Michael Reilly, I have to address this link in the chain that leads to my dream....get healthy .. get lighter....get stronger...and then....the dream becomes reality


LauraLynne said...

Good luck. It's truly a tough road. Seeking help is a good step. I'm working through the 12 steps of OA. It's never easy though.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your struggles - and you are my inspiration in your battle and successes!!


I think you are point on... make WEIGHT your IM for the year. You may not feel like it, but it sounds like you are making two steps forward for every one back which is still in the positive direction.

Panama City will always be waiting, and in 2011, I'll have a steamed veggie party vs. pasta... just for you.

Hassan said...

Man, I love your blog! It is hard to be an addict in a world of non addicts. I have two years next week. Like your friends have said, you can walk away from alcohol and never go into a bar again. I admittedly have but only after nearly two years of being sober and only for a brief minute. I have to admit it was tough.
Even after two years people ask me can you sit down and have one drink and walk away. I honestly answer HELL NO! Why would I! Who drinks one drink and walk away? I can never have a drink and I know that.
But wow, you, it’s not that “easy” if I can use that word. You have live with your addiction every day. Every minute! I bet it’s tough. So something has to change. If the food won’t change you have to. Addiction DOESN’T make you or me, or any other addict weak. I am praying for you! You can do it! You know you can! Otherwise you wouldn’t have decided to seek help! I am proud of you for that! Keep it up. One day at a time!