First weigh in tomorrow

I think I would rather do a 100 mile bike/10 mile run brick than a weigh in. Seriously. That 4 seconds on the scale is a terrifying place for me. Absolutely terrifying.

It brings back some painful memories. The first time a doctor told my family I was obese...I was 6. My first serious diet of liquids only was at age 12. And of course..the big one...when they couldn't read my weigh at the doctor's office at age 23. I was over 320lbs and their scale simply didn't go that high. A lot of my memories revolve around that number on the scale.

I have had so many people "congratulate" me on my attempt at Ironman. "See how far you went", they would say. " I wouldn't even consider doing that" they would tell me. I appreciate these words so much and their kind positive comments are heartfelt and real. It has helped me get through the last few days...but the bottom line is simple..

I didn't finish...

I didn't finish two things. I didn't get to the finish line and I haven't gotten to my goal weight. My Gastric Bypass Doctor, Dr. Normal Samuels told me to be happy that I was still alive and well. I should be happy that I got to see another birthday...another year of life...and I am...losing roughly 200 pounds is an amazing thing...

But I didn't finish...

The one thing I don't want to make a pattern in my life is to NOT finish what I started. I started this weight loss journey on Dec. 1, 1998. I wrote a will, I gave permission to my husband to cut life support if necessary and I gave letters to each of my family members to read if I didn't make it. I MADE IT. The guy ahead me...DIDN'T. The woman that had the procedure the next day DIDN'T. I owe it to them. I owe it to me...to finish damn it....I need to finish it ALL!!!

My husband says that I let the number on the scale DEFINE me..that I let it determine if I am going to have a good day or a bad day. There is truth to that statement but the bottom line remains...I have left this business undone...I have left two tasks unfinished. It is time to focus...to stop living in the past and focus on the positives of the future.

There is so much ahead of me. There is so much that I can give to others in this struggle if I can just get over this last hurdle. Come girl...you got it in ya. This is the thin girl inside screaming to get out.... You are almost there....just like the last two miles of the marathon. You have come so far. The last two miles are painful...but doable.

Lets see what the number says tomorrow....